Getting Married!  Whooooo!!!

I need help with my story, can you read and help correct?

Sitting on my mountaintop. My Precipice. My one true escape. You see, i created this abstract existance. All you see around me, is not mine, but i created it. It is not mine to tamper with as i see fit. It is for everyone, to be free. Noone is truely free anymore. Not unless they are here. Unbound from the shackles of modern life, advertising, media, government control. I am here to free you.

There is a war going on for your minds. Cover girl cutouts throw up pop-up ads Infecting victims with silicone shrapnel. No more shall your minds be poisened, will your thoughts be mummified, no more shall you cower in weakness to the irational thoughts of the government.

What i am, is what you can be, free. Ever wanted to Watch the sunset in Hawii, Ride a gondala in Venace, Have a 4 course meal in France and dessert in Belgium? How about all in one evening?

My world, can change to be whatever you want. Would u like to be famous, have people adore you and do anything for you? Have people fired and rehired again by the nod of your hat brim. Would you like to live in Multiple, giant, million dollar mansions, each with 3 swimming pools, 8 bedrooms and 4 purple billiards tables.

A simple home life? Wife and 2 kids, a stunning private home situated on Lake View Drive, 1 km from camp. The super structure of the house, twenty five ancient and weathered Red Rivergum trees – powerful and natural. The entrance side of the house is grand, castlelike and is interestingly faced with stones from the hills. The massive pivot door opens into the huge main room and instantly you see incredible views through the front of the house – which is completely open.

Or perhaps relaxing on the beach is more suited to you? Think of the most beautiful beach you’ve ever dreamt of. The shimmering expanse of endless white that caps the cruciendo of waves and cushions the tide coming in. The oceans eternal rhythm, beating on the shore. On your own island, you have the freedom to enjoy life. However you choose to live it.

Your world, the world you know in fact, consists of two parallel worlds: technology-driven Earth, where you reside, and my world. The transition between the worlds is only possible in dreams. I am able to controll this. I in fact, am in a coma. The reason you are watching me, is that i have choson you. For long enough, i have lived alone in this "perfect" place. I have choson you. Because i can see you. I see you are worthy of this life. I have always been able to visit this world, "My Real Home". In my dreams i could fulfill my hearts greatest desires. It was perfect. Now, that i cannot leave, and am on my own, it seems like a nightmare. Everything i want is at my fingertips, but it’s hell without anyone to share it with. Now my one true desire, is to desire again.I do not anymore desire i just have.
I do not thurst for water, i do not feel my own hunger. I only ache, for companionship.

This is why i am calling out to you, I am willing, pleading to you to join me in my empty society. Only now i wish, that i had not jumped, headfirst. Into this dreamland. I wish i could be back, in the real world. I only hope some one is foolish enough to come to me. Can anyone hear me, do you bother to listen? How do i know you are even there anymore. Maybe My World is the reallest thing in all the verses. This means im alone forever.Will someone please answer my pleads, before im killed by my own imagination. There will be no sirens, there will be no screams of witnesses, there will be no tears of mourne at my funeral, for i am alone.

Michael Koenigseder
3 hours ago – 4 days left to answer.
Additional Details
it was an open topic assignment. this is for year 10 btw. i didnt really know where i was going with this, i kinda slapped it together a little. could someone help me fix the grammar problems, and maybe sugest a better ending/ conclusion?

Here’s a start. See what you think.

I sit on my mountain top; my precipice, my one true escape. I created this abstract existence all around me, it is not mine, but I created it. It is not mine to tamper with; it is for everyone, to feel free. No one is truly free anymore; not unless they are here, unbound from the shackles of modern life, media and government control.

There is a war going on for your mind. Cover girl cut-outs throw up pop-up ads infecting victims with silicone shrapnel. No more shall your minds be poisoned, will your thoughts be mummified, and no more shall you cower in weakness to the irrational thoughts of the government.

What I am, is what you can be, free. Have you ever wanted to watch the sunset in Hawaii, ride a gondola in Venice or eat a four-course meal in France and dessert in Belgium? My world can change to be whatever you want. Would you like to be famous, have people adore you and do anything for you? Have people fired and rehired again at the nod of your hat? Would you like to live in multiple, million dollar mansions, each with three swimming pools, eight bedrooms and four purple billiards tables? Would you like a simple home life; wife and two kids, a stunning private home situated on Lake View Drive, 1 km from camp? The super structure of the house, twenty five ancient and weathered Red River gum trees – powerful and natural. The entrance side of the house is grand, castle-like and is interestingly faced with stones from the hills. The massive pivot door opens into the huge main room and instantly you see incredible views through the front of the house – which is completely open. Or perhaps relaxing on the beach is more suited to you? Think of the most beautiful beach you’ve ever dreamt of; the shimmering expanse of endless white that caps the crescendo of waves and cushions the tide coming in. The oceans eternal rhythm, beating on the shore. On your own island, you have the freedom to enjoy life.

Your world consists of two parallel worlds: technology-driven Earth, where you reside, and my world. The transition between the worlds is only possible in dreams and I am able to control this, I am in a coma. The reason you are watching me, is that I have chosen you. For long enough, I have lived alone in this "perfect" place. I have chosen you because I can see you are worthy of this life. I have always been able to visit this world, "My Real Home" and in my dreams I could fulfil my hearts greatest desires; it was perfect. Now that I cannot leave, and am on my own, it seems like a nightmare. Everything I want is at my fingertips, but it’s hell without anyone to share it with. I do not thirst for water; I do not feel my own hunger, I only ache, for companionship. Now my one true desire is to desire again.

This is why I am calling out to you. I am willing, pleading you to join me in my empty society, wishing now that I had not jumped, headfirst, into this dreamland. I only hope some one is crazy enough to come to me. How do I know you are even there anymore? Maybe my world is the realest thing in all the verses, meaning I’m alone forever. Will someone please answer my pleas, before I’m killed by my own imagination? There will be no sirens, there will be no screams from witnesses, there will be no tears of mourn at my funeral, for I am alone.