Can I get some opinions on this scene please?
August 25th, 2009 | by admin |This is the opening scene to a romance book set in ancient Rome during Caesar’s second invasion of Britannia. I know it isn’t great so I need a little advice. Thanks.
Chapter One
Tertius Leonis opened the flap to his tent and peered out at the blue, Britannia morning. Patchy, dry grass and the heavy sound of horse hoofs striking the grass greeted him. The distant scent of salty ocean in the unfamiliar lands assaulted his nostrils. He peered up into the pale, early morning sky to see the last of the stars retreating behind the veil of daylight.
The familiar red flag bearing a golden bull whipped about in the wind as he stepped out, his helmet in hand. He set his brown eyes toward the edge of camp and rubbed his hand across an unshaven face. “Centurion!” He turned quickly to see a familiar face among unfamiliar things.
He extended his hand with a smile. “Rabanus! How are you finding Britannia?”
Rabanus shook hands with Tertius. “I prefer it to Gaul, I think. I hear the winters here are not so cold. Though I hope Caesar brings us home before we find out. They say the Britons are a fierce lot, though. More so than the Gauls?”
“Why do you ask me?” Tertius placed the helmet under his arm. The bright red horse hair crest tickled his underarm and he adjusted it to the other side. “You’ll see soon enough yourself.”
The two slowly walked through the camp as the trumpeter began his morning tune to call out the troops. Rabanus gave a deep laugh and placed his own helmet over raven hair. “I suppose you’re right."
Not bad! My one suggestion is using a few less adjectives. It’s a little over descriptive.
One Response to “Can I get some opinions on this scene please?”
By kat on Aug 25, 2009 | Reply
Not bad! My one suggestion is using a few less adjectives. It’s a little over descriptive.
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